Thursday, February 12, 2015

The Healing Part 3

Very early on after my father passed away, I knew I wouldn't be able to speak at all about him. 

The last coherent words he spoke to me, when I knew that he knew who I was on some level, was a couple of days before he passed. As I was leaving the room he called out "Alison." And I turned and looked. He was pointing at me. "Write a poem."

Mum said she felt he was trying to tell us what to do for his funeral.  

I couldn't write a poem. So I wrote his eulogy instead.  My husband had to stand with me as I delivered the eulogy and I'm sure a lot of what I did try to say was lost in my tears.

But I was very conscious that I didn't want his memory forgotten because of my selfish grief. So, struggling through tears & the pain in my heart, I instructed the older kids to speak about their Gramps often to, then, little miss 3.  I asked them not to do it when I was around, but in private, in conversations I wanted them to continue to share their memories of Gramps amongst themselves and with their little sister.

I am no different or no special to anyone else. We all will reach that stage in life when we will lose a parent. We all do; its just a matter of when. And grief is different for everyone.  

It has been hard. It is sudden. Even looking through the pictures for these last two posts; one day I have pictures of my father, the next image is a coffin. That's it. There are no new memories to make with him.

It has grown easier over time. It has. I'm not there yet, but I can feel the difference 6 years makes. I can talk about him. But its still painful to talk about the good times, because it reminds me so much of what I've lost.

Some people may think I've robbed my children of great memories of a loving grandfather by not openly sharing about him.  And those people could be right. But my children listened when I asked them what to do. They heard my pain and knew that what I was asking them to do was important.  

And as a result Miss 5, who was born just 4 months after her Gramps passed away, is able to talk about him as if she knew him. She recognises him in pictures and videos, she even has her own picture of him in her room. 

She knows that he was her Gramps. 

And he knew that she was going to be a beautiful little girl named after his own mother.

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