Wednesday, May 18, 2016

What it means to be DID on THIS day, my birthday.


17 years ago I was pregnant with my second child (it was however my 6th pregnancy) which I knew was going to be a boy.

I was eating dinner one night with my then husband my Big Girl (Miss 23) who was then just 6. The same age as my current Miss 6.

Anyway I randomly started crying, as you do when pregnant. My husband asked me what was wrong.

We were renting a tiny dark bricked home back then, all completely exposed inside & out, and at night with a lamp on, & the glow from the TV, it made quite a cozy scene.

While looking around and taking in the picturesque quietness of the evening I had suddenly been granted a flash into the future. And it had made me cry.

It took me a while to pull myself together enough to be able to convey to my husband what was wrong.

I told him;

"I saw a time into the future where Lyssa (Miss 6) had grown up & left home & I was living with people I havent met yet. (Meaning the baby I was carrying and the ones presumably still to come after him). What if they don't LIKE me? I'll be alone, and Lyssa wont be with me..!"

And I started crying again.

My husband thought I was an idiot. No surprise we later divorced....

And yet, here I am 17 years later, my then husband is now just a 15 year old memory, all my friends from that time are no longer in my life; some of them have passed away....

Last night I realised I was living THAT moment.

I hadn't seen Miss 23 properly in 2 days because of her night shifts and my caring for the current Miss 6 post Op, and Miss 23 had already left for work again.

As I moved through the house seemingly invisible & inconsequential to everyone else talking and laughing together, their little in jokes they share but wont included me in no matter how hard I try to connect....

Mr 16 breezed past me quickly without a word or a glance even though he had not seen me all day...

I'm here right now, in that lonely future I saw, but back then I had no idea how it would come to pass, but just the glimpse of it had made me cry.

My little girl is grown & practically leading her own life (as it should be really), my mother, father & brother are gone. 

And I AM left alone in a house full of people who I HAVE now met.

And they don't like me.

Not today.

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